Feeling

Since we've moved, my whole life seems so discombobulated (is that really a word?), I'm having to re-figure out how to do stuff in this new house. For example, when I walk in the door, where do I put my keys, diaper bag or purse? Where does the mail go? Where does all the soccer stuff go? I end up dropping these things here or there and then, when it's time to go, can't find anything. I've become horribly forgetful...so much so, that when Neal came home from being out of town for two days, he asked if I knew the back door wasn't closed all the way, much less locked. Nope, didn't know that, and that means that it had been that way the whole time he was gone, since we hadn't gone out the back door in two days. Nice. Now I check the back door a million times a day. I know it will take time to get it all figured out, and I've gotten a lot more done than I thought I would, I just didn't expect to feel so out of sorts.

I feel like the floor has been ripped out from under me and I'm trying to find solid ground again. I jump around becoming completely obsessed with something until its done, then onto the next thing. For awhile, I was obsessed with new bedding for our bed. I probably bought every pillow sham in Marshalls and TJ Maxx, trying to decide what combination looked the best. It looked like TJ Maxx threw up on my bed. I was making so many returns it was ridiculous. Once I got that figured out, I moved on to curtains. I wanted every window in the house to have curtains, because I realized how much warmer curtains made each room feel. Then I went from curtains to lamps, lamps to the game room and on and on.

I tend to make things so complicated. When I finally stop, tell myself to relax, simplify and ask myself how I'm really feeling, I often find that all of that obsessing is me running away from myself. From what is really going on inside of me, from what I'm really feeling and why. We talk a lot about feelings in a group I'm doing at church. Most everything you feel comes back to one of these 8 feelings...Fear, Anger, Shame, Guilt, Sad, Glad, Hurt and Lonely. They encourage us, on a daily basis, to have a "feelings check-in". It's been so great for me to do this small exercise because I have such a tendency to put myself on auto pilot and charge through my life, hiding from myself and from really dealing with what is going on inside of me. Why am I over reacting to my kids and husband and obsessing about pillows? Because I'm feeling fear, living in a new place, my oldest at school, meeting new people - will they like me? Will they think I'm an idiot because I talk too much? What if we can't pay all our new bills? What if one of the boys gets hit by a car when they are outside playing? What if Luke eats something off the ground and I didn't see him and he chokes on it? What if this never feels like home? What if someone makes fun of Sam and school and I can't be there to say that's not nice? What if he doesn't know what he is supposed to do? Is someone going to help him, because he might not ask for help? Luke is acting funny, what if his heart isn't okay anymore? Sam and Gabe both have fevers and say their heads hurt, what if they have meningitis? I know some of those are irrational fears, but I still feel them.

Some days, I'm feeling everyone of those feelings, others just a few. I've noticed lately that I carry fear and sadness with me as constant companions. The sadness from my miscarriages is still there, little things here and there have triggered those memories and I'm just sad. It's been good for me to recognize these things and to allow myself to feel them. It hurts and it isn't really how I want to spend my time, but it's good. It's good because it brings me back to my precious Heavenly Father. I hand all those fears and the sadness to HIM to take care of in His strong, gentle, capable hands. It reminds me that HE is sovereign and full of mercy for me, I don't have to carry these burdens, I don't have to figure it all out. It doesn't have to be so complicated. I just have to trust HIM.