One Year

Today is the one year anniversary of my second miscarriage. It's hard to believe that it's been that long. On one hand, I can think about it and feel all of the feelings so vividly, but on the other hand, it seems like it was all just a bad dream and I wonder if it really happened. I remember Callie telling me that time will really heal and I won't always feel so much pain. I clung to that and have really seen the truth in that with this situation, more than any other in my life.

My 30th birthday was last year on April 20th, just a few weeks after. I was so worried that my 30th birthday would always be marked by the memory of losing my second baby. My dear husband and friends did everything in their power to make sure that wasn't the case. The week before my birthday, Neal surprised me with a last minute trip to Las Vegas to see Celine Dion (and he really isn't a fan!). He called Christy to arrange a place for the boys to stay while I was gone for two days. Christy, Stacey and Nicole all pitched in and took turns with them. We had the best time in Vegas, eating an amazing dinner, seeing Celine, and just being together. Neal was truly amazing during all of this. He listened to me, let me cry and yell. He loves me so well.

Then, when I got home, Christy took me out to dinner. When we walked into the restaurant, I saw so many of my sweet friends sitting at a table to surprise me. The biggest surprise was that Shana had flown in from Houston and was sitting there with them! At dinner, they presented me with a scrapbook. As I opened it up and started looking through it, I was brought to tears. Each page was created by someone dear to me, with pictures, letters and memories. From my nieces and nephew, my aunts, my grandmother, my mom and dad, my sister and brother-in-law, cousins and my friends. Carly, Christy, Kandice and Shana had been planning this for months, emailing everyone, putting the scrapbook together and planning a wonderful night for me. After dinner, Christy, Kandice and Shana got a hotel room and we all spent the night hanging out and looking through my book. We went to lunch in Downtown Franklin the next day and then Shana stayed the rest of the weekend and we went shopping and blew through all my birthday money. It was truly the best birthday I have ever had. I have never felt so loved in all my life. Everyone made such an effort to make sure that I knew how much I meant to them...I have a whole book filled with reminders of that!

So, when I think back to this time a year ago, I am saddened by the loss of my baby, but I am filled with memories of the love that surrounded me at that time. I am thankful for the precious lives of my two Glory Babies and for every minute I had with them. Because of them, I have some of the most precious memories and have been blessed beyond measure. I'm more certain than ever of the Lord's love for me and I have a much deeper faith in Him, for I saw Him, heard Him and felt His presence so clearly. I'm grateful knowing that they are being held by Jesus, listening to Heaven's lullabies. Christy's Watermark song says it best...

"Glory Baby"
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear? You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a day when we will hold you...We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you...We will see you

But baby let sweet Jesus hold you‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard to understand it
‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting

But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing- That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would… Just like He said He would…

I can’t imagine Heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, Heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…